Maybe your aspiration looks loftier and harder to attain from a distance than it does when you get there. You don’t need a blueprint to become someone you’re not, you just need to widen your vision enough to notice that you’re already the person who can do this and the doing of it is so comfortable not because you’re not there but because you are already there.
In other words, your enjoyment of your work, your lack of discipline in approaching it, your disorganization, your messy workspace, your whatever you think is not worship-worthy about your work, is not proof that you’re not doing the work.
That tower you think is unattainable has fallible humans in it, with pots of tea and coffee, and disorderly bursts of color. It has a kitchen and that kitchen has dishes in the sink that need to be washed. There are cryptic notes and drawings taped to the wall. The people inside have been known to pick up a book, open it to somewhere in the middle, read a page or two and then put the book down and never pick it up again. They stay up too late and oversleep. They go for a walk and get lost because they were paying attention to their thoughts and not their surroundings. They miss deadlines. They use circular logic way too much. They make mistakes and forget stuff. They are not the pinnacle of perfection that you may think you need to be to join them.
And that is true whether the tower you have in mind is a school, a job, a place, a family, a movement. Your aspiration occurred to you in the first place only because you already belong there because you are already doing whatever it is you aspire to be doing and you are more than capable. So go keep doing it in the way that you aspire to. If you’re not supposed to be there, let the gatekeeper try to stop you, but don’t gatekeep yourself–open the gate, go in, do it.
Quiet Mystic 